


Only Sunshine

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-18
Updated: 2004-05-14
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Two months after the Rage party we find Brian still missing Justin and the newest technological advancements help bridge the gap.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

October 4, 2001- Two Months after the rage party.

 

Brian glances at the clock. 6:30 pm. Jesus, time moved so slow. He might as well try to get some work done. He gets up from the couch and moves to the computer. He starts it up and first checks his email. However, because they use the same server Justin’s account opened automatically.

“I didn’t even know he used my computer to check his mail.” Brian mumbled out loud. He’d done that a lot lately, talked to himself, it helped a little. Against his better judgment he scrolled through the emails in Justin’s Inbox and found the ones right before the rage party.

 

Welcome, OnlySunshine

Inbox:

From Subject Date

Gold, Ethan RE:RE: Party August 3  
EGold@pifa.edu 

Gold, Ethan Party August 1  
Egold@pifa.edu 

Chanders, Daph Brian August 1  
inthepitts@yahoo.com 

Chanders, Daph Rage July 30  
Inthepitts@yahoo.com 

Hot Stud Playing At Work July 30 Bkinney@hotmail.com

 

He wasn’t going to read them. He didn’t need to know what the stupid musician had said to Justin—but Daphne’s email intrigued him. 

“It says my name…” He reasoned. 

He clicked on his name and the email page loaded.

 

From:inthepitts@yahoo.com   
To: onlysunshine@hotmail.com

Subject: Brian

Yes, I think you should send him the e-mail. You can do it buddy just open the drafts folder and hit send. He deserves to know. He does love you, you two just need to talk. I don’t think he’s going to kick you out. He doesn’t want to lose you anymore than you want to be with Ethan—Tell me you don’t want to be with Ethan. He’s greasy. Brian is way hotter and way—cleaner. Ethan has the personality of a snail.

Love You Darlin!  
Dee

***** I VOTE BRIAN*****

Brian couldn’t help but laugh, damn, he loved that girl. If he were straight—she’d be all his. He’d have to tell her that someday. He was so amused by Daphne’s loyalty that he had to read the email a few times before he got that Justin had written him something and never sent it. His conscious told him that it was wrong reading Justin’s email and he should stop-but he couldn’t help it. He clicked on the Drafts Bin. And waited for the pages to load.

DRAFTS

To Subject Date

Bkinney@hotmail.com Lost August 1

Brian hesitated. Did he really want to read what Justin wrote? In the end he decided to do it.

The pages loaded extremely slow, or so Brian thought.

To: Bkinney@hotmail.com   
From: onlysunshine@hotmail.com

Subject: Lost

Brian, I want to start this out by saying one thing. I love you. I will always love you. There is nobody else for me. I know I set up those rules for us. And that is something I regret more than you can imagine. Because, in the end, I am the one who began to resent them and broke them. Yes, I broke all of them. And I’m sure you broke none, because you, Brian Kinney, are more man than I’ll ever be.  
I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to you. And I know I don’t deserve you. I’ve been a weight on your shoulders for too long. I thought that I could change that I could make you happy but I was wrong. So wrong. I told you about Ethan and you listened to his CD once…well, I’ve been with him. More than once. I don’t love him—I don’t even like him all that much. But, Brian he isn’t you and that was his appeal. I didn’t ever mean to hurt you although I know that I have.  
I wanted to talk to you about this but I have come to realize that it may be easier for you to just read it without having to deal with my “drama” as you would call it. If you want me to leave I understand. But don’t forget that I love you—more than my life—more than anything. And, Ethan-he means nothing. 

 

All My Love,  
Justin

Brian’s heart broke. He could literally hear it and he couldn’t move he was frozen he was unable to think. He sat there for twenty minutes not moving. Before he closed out the webpage and stared at the screen. It was a few minutes before he noticed something on the desktop. He double clicked on the yellow running stick-man icon. An aim chat icon popped up and began loading.

LOGGING ON TO ONLYSUNSHINE’S BUDDYLIST

Kids. Brian thought- why couldn’t he just use the phone? And why did he put this on his computer? Brian was startled from his musings by a beeping noise a screen flashed.

Cannot log onto Onlysunshine because member is already logged on. 

He’s online. Brian’s heart raced. He could talk to him. God he missed talking to him. But how did he get a screen name? Who would know how….and then it hit him. He got up and got his cell phone he dialed a number and waited for the answer.

 

“Hey Sugar,” Emmett’s voice was unmistakable.

“Sugar?” 

“Brian?”

“Yeah…I need your help?” Brian said hesitantly.

“Oh honey, are you that desperate….I mean not that I’m complaining but..”

“EMMETT!” 

“Okay, okay, just joking” Emmett laughed. “You really aren’t all that sugary you know, maybe a little too much spice for me...”

“Emmett….”

“Right darlin’, what CAN I help you with?”

“How do you get an AIM screen name?” He almost hung up with Emmett’s laughter still ringing but he wanted to talk to Justin, needed to.

Twenty Minutes later he was on the phone with Emmett again.

“What should my screen name be?”

“Hmm…that depends on who you’re talking too.”

“Normal people”

“Oh well then—how about foreveryoung that’s very you.”

Brian was silent and then he hung up. By the time he got everything working he was sure Justin was going to be off, but at least he could eventually use this. He signed on and added Justin’s screen name to his buddy list like Emmett had told him. And he suddenly heard a squeaking noise like a door was opening and he actually turned around and looked to see what door was opening before realizing that it was the computer. Idiot. 

He took a deep breath and double clicked Justin’s name.

A box popped up and he did what Emmett told him.

 

Foreveryoung19: Hey

Justin didn’t respond and Brian was about to call Emmett back to make sure he was doing this right when another noise came from the computer and Justin’s message appeared on the screen.

Onlysunshine: Hi!

Onlysunshine: Do I know you?

Foreveryoung19: Maybe

Onlysunshine: I don’t do cyber. I can get the real thing.

Brian didn’t even think before responding.

Foreveryoung19: From your banjo player?

Shit. 

Onlysunshine: Brian? 

Foreveryoung: yes

He waited.

Onlysunshine: I didn’t know you had a screen name.

Foreveryoung19: I didn’t until tonight.

Onlysunshine: Oh.

Onlysunshine: How are you?

Foreveryoung19: Not good. 

Onlysunshine: How come?

Foreveryoung19: How are you?

Onlysunshine: I’m fine. Why aren’t you good?

Foreveryoung19: How is your boyfriend?

Onlysunshine: I’ve never had one. 

He didn’t know why but that stung.

Foreveryoung19: What about Ian?

Onlysunshine: I haven’t seen him since the night at the Rage Promo.

Foreveryoung19: Oh. Where are you?

Onlysunshine: On the bus.

Foreveryoung19: How are you on the bus and on the computer?

Onlysunshine: My phone lets me talk on instant messenger.

Foreveryoung19: Really? I didn’t know they made phones that do that.

Onlysunshine: Yours does it too.

Brian picked up his phone and stared at it for a long time. He clicked through a few settings, getting frustrated until the computer made another sound.

Onlysunshine: If you go to the menu and scroll down to Messenger and set your information in there it will let you do it.

Brian did what Justin said and sure enough there it was.

Onlysunshine: See, I told you.

Foreveryoung19: How did you know I was looking at it?

Onlysunshine: I just know these things.

Brian laughed at that despite himself.

Foreveryoung19: So where are you headed?

Onlysunshine: Home.

Foreveryoung19: Where is home for you now?

Onlysunshine: I'm staying with Daphne. 

Foreveryoung19: How is my favorite little straight girl?

Onlysunshine: She's good. New bf. 

Onlysunshine: Why aren't you good, Brian?

Brian sat back with his hands still resting on the computer screen. Could he do it? Could he say it or type it? God he wanted to-for just once be honest with Justin. Completely.

Onlysunshine: Hey. brb I'm going to log on to the computer.

Suddenly there was the sound of the door closing and Justin was gone. He left in cyberspace the same as hid did in real life. And it scared Brian that he could make that connection. Brian stared at the screen willing it to make the squeaky door sound again. After a few minutes he got up and changed out of his work clothes. He went to the kitchen to get a beer and just as he closed the refrigerator door Justin came back on.

Onlysunshine: Sorry about that. It's just easier to type on here.

foreveryoung19: It's okay. 

Onlysunshine: Why aren't you good?

foreveryoung19: Why do you keep asking that?

Onlysunshine: Because you never answered. 

foreveryoung19: I think I may have done something really, really wrong.

foreveryoung19: and because of it, I may have lost my only chance to be happy.

onlysunshine: What did you do?

Foreveryoung19: I lied.

Onlysunshine: Brian, you are the most honest man I know. What did you lie about?

Foreveryoung19: See, there was this amazing man. And he is perfect there is no doubt about that. He used to live with me. And he used to love me. And I lied to him. Everyday. I told him that we weren't boyfriends. I told him that I didn't do boyfriends. I told him that love was only for dykes and breeders. I told him that I didn't love him. 

Justin sat back from his computer and felt the tears spring to his eyes. Daphne chose that exact moment to walk into the room. She stared at Justin for a long time before leaning down and reading the screen. 

"Oh God. Is that...?"

"Daph, please, will you leave me a lone."

"Yeah-no problem. If you need me..." she nodded toward her bedroom door. 

foreveryoung19: And I pushed him away. I let him leave. And now---I can't do anything. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't think. And I'm barely breathing. Because without him here, there's no reason for any of it. But I think-I think it's too late. 

onlysunshine: Maybe you should tell this man all of this. Tell him how you feel. Really tell him. It's never too late if you love someone.

Justin waited for Brian's reply and jumped when his cell phone rang. He wasn't going to answer it but it just kept ringing. He quickly picked it up without looking at the caller ID.

"Come home." Brian's voice shook and was barely above a whisper. "Please, come home."

That was all Justin needed and twenty minutes later he was standing at the door of the loft. He stared at the metal markings before raising his fist to knock. But before he could the door slid open and there stood Brian red-eyed. He'd been crying. They stared at each other. And then suddenly Brian pulled Justin to him and clutched him tightly. 

'Please, stay. Stay." Justin could feel the tears on his neck. "Please." Brian's voice was raw, and weak. 

"Shhh, baby. I'm here." Justin held Brian and smoothed his hair down with his hand. His heart was breaking all over again. He scanned the loft and found it oddly unkempt. Take-out containers and empty beer bottles strewn everywhere, papers randomly tossed on the floor. He took in the blanket and pillow laying on Brian's expensive Italian sofa and wondered briefly who he had let stay on the couch. Brian looked up and followed Justin's gaze. 

"It doesn't feel right. To sleep alone in our bed." his voice was different now, hollow, scared, and so vulnerable. "Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing."

Justin didn’t know how to react, he didn’t know what to do. After all this time he hadn’t expected, this. He had felt it in his bones that eventually him and Brian would get back together but he hadn’t expected it to be Brian who initiated it. Brian led him up the stairs to the bed and they laid down together. Just holding each other, fingers occasionally tracing invisible lines on faces, shoulders, lips. Justin stared into Brian’s eyes and for once saw no façade. Justin saw the happiness in his eyes, and the slight glimmer of the fear that Brian was trying so desperately. Justin told Brian with his entire being, he promised that he would never leave again. Never again.


	2. Only Sunshine

Justin woke up in bed in the loft, blue lights and everything but Brian. He looked around and wondered briefly if he was dreaming. He got up and walked out into the main room and saw Brain on the couch. He was sitting there his black 200 dollar Armani shirt wrinkled from their sleep half unbuttoned and rolled up to the elbows, his jeans were creased and a lit cigarette dangled from between two fingers of his right hand. Justin walked carefully not knowing how to approach. Brian brought the cigarette to his lips and inhaled and then released a cloud of smoke and put out the cigarette in an ashtray on the table. He waved away the smoke and then motioned for Justin to come nearer. 

Justin walked toward Brian and then sat next to him on the sofa. Brian turned to face Justin and looked at him critically.

“I need to tell you about Jack Kinney.”

Justin’s breath caught for a moment because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. But he nodded slightly and then at Brian’s prompting lay between Brian’s legs as the older man stretched out on the sofa. 

“The earliest memory I have of him was when I was about 6 or 7. I remember that I had been playing outside, and I came in the house dirty. I wasn’t muddy and I took my shoes off before I came in. But, I walked in with dirt on my face and clothing when my mother and father were fighting. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was to go over to my mother and tug on her dress with my dirty hand and ask her if she would open the bathroom door, because I didn’t want to get the handle dirty. My hand had dirtied her dress. Jack fumed that he had just bought that dress and here she was ruining it. She told him that it was HIS dirty child that had done it not her. His response was that he had never wanted me anyway… After that he hadn’t let me forget it.” Brian’s voice was nearly monotone, allowing for no emotion. Knowing that he wouldn’t get through it if he allowed any of the pain to come flooding back.

Brian told Justin everything. He explained about the first time Jack hit him, which fell on his 8th birthday. He talked about bruises, cuts, and broken bones that were constantly needing to be explained. He told him how his mother talked about her ‘loving’ family at church and how she drank a half-bottle of vodka a day until he was 12 and she started drinking a full bottle. He spoke about the constant berating he received and how his sister Claire would come to his room crying. And how is father loved it when Brian’s eyes would tear-up, because then he could lift his hand with a purpose and teach Brian to be a real man. He talked about how after awhile he didn’t feel the pain on the outside but on the inside he felt the hatred growing there. He remembered times when he had wanted to die but didn’t try because he didn’t want to let Jack win. He shared his war stories with a passive look on his face. He related the facts of 3 hour beatings when he was a teenager as a result of wearing a slightly faded red shirt. A red shirt that to Jack was pink, and pink was for fags. He talked about running to Michael’s and letting Deb wipe the blood away but never let her see the tears. And then he talked about the flowers and candy, roses and chocolate. And the words his father always had for his mother. When he came home smelling of other women and lying to her about it. When he came home drunk and didn’t listen when she said “No”. He talked about when he had gone to visit his dad after he found out that the man was dying from cancer and had finally told him he was gay. He whispered the words Jack had said about what was “fair”. 

Brian talked until his voice was hoarse and then he got up. And he walked to the kitchen took a bottle of water and walked to the bedroom. Saying nothing to Justin, not even looking at him. Justin sat for a moment and let the tears fall and then he wiped them away and went to Brian. He approached the bedroom and took the stairs slowly one at a time. Brian was laying on the bed and as he approached Justin could tell that Brian was sleeping. He could tell that it must have worn him out to re-tell so much. Justin went to the stereo and was going to put on some light classical he knew helped Brian relax when he noticed that the CD player was set to repeat Track 4. Intrigued he pushed play and wandered over to the bed. As the lyrics floated over them Justin laid down and pulled Brian to him.

I wanted you to know  
I love the way you laugh  
I want to hold you high   
And steal your pain away

I keep your photograph  
I know it serves me well  
I want to hold you high  
And steal your pain

Cuz I’m broken,  
When I’m open  
And I don’t feel like  
I am strong enough

Cuz I’m broken  
When I’m lonesome  
And I don’t feel right  
When you’re gone away

The worst is over now  
And we can breath again  
I want to hold you high  
You steal my pain away

There’s so much left to learn  
And no one left to fight  
I want to hold you high   
And steal your pain

Cuz I’m broken  
When I’m open  
And I don’t feel like  
I am strong enough

Cuz I’m broken  
When I’m lonesome  
And I don’t feel right  
When You’re gone away

Brian’s head was spinning as he heard the lyrics and he wondered what had compelled Justin to turn on the song. He wasn’t sure if he was glad Justin had heard it or not, he didn’t know if Justin understood, he wasn’t sure if he wanted him to. Slowly, Brian turned toward Justin who was staring at him with wide tear-filled blue eyes. They stayed that way for a long time blue battling hazel and neither ready to wave their flag. And then Brian lightly lay a single finger over Justin’s lips. Telling him with this one “shush” gesture that this conversation was finished. How like Brian to do this and then move on so quickly.


	3. Only Sunshine

The next few weeks were like the calm after a huge storm. Things were still settling and you could still see the rain puddles on the ground but the sun shone brightly and the air was fresh. Justin and Brian fell into a routine of sorts. With Justin still living at Daphne’s they co-ordinated their schedules so they could spend more time with each other. Brian had changed a little since their discussion, he was less sarcastic and more telling with his feelings. Justin had noticed Brian’s decrease in the amount of time he spent at Babylon or Woody’s or the baths. He went out maybe twice a week and never came home smelling of other men and he rarely did any drug outside of pot and beam. Brian hadn’t done this intentionally, but it had happened.

It had been three days since the boys had actually been able to spend time together. Justin had classes and projects to work on and tonight he was finishing a paper for his art history class. Brian had meetings and late night company dinners and now he sat at home staring at a product layout wishing he was with Justin. He got bored checked his email and found nothing and then remembered the chat program.

He quickly logged on and was disappointed to find that Justin wasn’t online. He thought about calling him and then remembered that Justin had asked him not to. He moped around the loft for a few hours, too tired to go out too awake to go to sleep. Finally he settled on the sofa and turned on the television, he flipped through a few channels and then turned it off. He laid on the sofa contemplating what he should do to occupy himself and a certain blonde kept coming into his mind, he wondered what that meant. He was jut about to push those thoughts aside and go out to Babylon anyway when he heard a slight creaky door sound. He nearly tripped as he jumped up from the sofa and moved to the computer. 

Foreveryoung19: Hey there sunshine.

Brian was already smiling. 

Onlysunshine: Brian! I asked you not to distract me!

Brian’s smile faded slightly. He felt like a reprimanded child.

Foreveryoung19: Actually you said not to call you, do you want me to leave you alone?

Onlysunshine: No. J

Foreveryoung19: how’s the paper coming?

Onlysunshine: slowly, and badly.

Foreveryoung19: I’m sorry baby. 

Onlysunshine: It’s all right. What are you up to? No partying tonight?

Foreveryoung19: No, it’s been a long week.   
Foreveryoung19: I feel like I haven’t seen you forever.

Onlysunshine: I know. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy.

Brian’s fingers stilled over the keyboard and then he typed quickly and hit send.

Foreveryoung19: It would be less crazy if you lived here, you wouldn’t have to run so far between school and the diner and back to Daphne’s all the time. 

Brian waited, his heart pounded in his chest.

Onlysunshine: what are you asking me?

Christ, he was going to make him say it. Brian let out a breath.

Foreveryoung19: I want you to come home, and stay home.

Brian typed and then as an afterthought…

Foreveryoung19: Please

Onlysunshine: Only if you let me pay some of the rent and utilities.

Brian rolled his eyes and was about to argue with Justin before realizing what it meant to Justin to do that.

Foreveryoung19: Fine. But, I pay for groceries. There’s no way you could foot that bill with the way you eat.

Onlysunshine: Deal.

Brian laughed and couldn’t seem to stop smiling, good thing nobody else was around he thought. 

Onlysunshine: When do I start moving my stuff?

Foreveryoung19: I’ll call the movers tomorrow start packing in the morning.


	4. Only Sunshine

Brian walked into the loft and was assaulted with the smell of Justin’s lasagna and loud bouncing techno music. He had a slow day and really needed to go out and let loose. He smiled at Justin as he watched the boy from behind as he danced around setting the table. Brian walked unnoticed and set his coat and brief case down. He slipped off his shoes and padded over to Justin. He wrapped his arms around the blonde and began to grind to the beat. 

Justin was startled when he first felt Brian behind him and smiled as he felt the taller man move with him. The stood that way for a while and Justin ground his ass back into Brian’s groin and received a heavy moan and Brian’s hot breath and tongue on his neck. After a few minutes of heavy make out they were both seated and eating.

“We’ve got to hurry if we want to catch the boys at Woody’s” Brian says around a mouthful of salad.

“I’m not going.” Justin rushes out the words and looks down at his plate.

“What? Why not?” Brian asked, slightly annoyed.

“I have some work to do—I still have to finish that paper that’s due in two days.” Justin said in excuse.

Brian frowned. “Leave it for tomorrow, I really want to go out.”

“So go.” 

“Fine.” Brian stood up and took his plate in the kitchen. Justin watched as he stalked back up to the bedroom and changed his clothes. What was his issue?

Brian changed quickly and stomped down the bedroom stairs out into the living room. He slipped on his leather coat and grabbed his keys off his desk. Justin was on his computer, which sat in the corner opposite Brian’s next to the living room. Justin didn’t look up as Brian passed him on his way to the door. Brian pulled back the door and looked at Justin again.

“Bye, Sunshine.” Brian said sarcastically. “Don’t wait up.”

“Bye”

___

Brian made it to Woody’s just as the boys were leaving they all piled in the jeep and the four headed over to Babylon. Brian tuned out their conversation as Mikey and Emmett discussed some hunk they’d just seen and Ted listed off the number of times he’d been shut down. He felt like shit. He really wanted to dance with Justin tonight there was something about proving to the rest of the clubs patron that Justin was his that still clung to him. His need to mark his territory, they hadn’t been to Babylon since Rage. 

Mikey, Ted, and Emmett trailed Brian to the entrance passing up numerous patrons outside. Brian stepped up to the bouncer and winked then the four were waved in. The King didn’t wait in lines. Brian went straight to the bar downed a beam and then was on the dance floor. He danced alone for less than 2 seconds before a very attractive dark complected shirtless man began to grind with him. Brian wasted no time, hooking his fingers through the belt-loops of the man he led the way through the dangling chains of the backroom. 

____

Justin stared at his computer screen. Brian had left 2 hours ago and he had typed only a sentence. He should have gone with, it would have made everything easier. But then he thought about it and he didn’t want to go. He wasn’t ready to go. Babylon still held too much memory and it was too soon. He wasn’t ready to face his mistakes in physical form. Justin set those thoughts ahead and worked furiously on his paper until the loft door slid open and 3:01 in the morning. Justin stood up and stretched and made his wake toward the door. He planned on making his absence up to Brian and then slipping into a deep sleep---and then he smelt it. Alcohol and sweaty sex. He was a good four feet away and Brian reeked of it. Justin took in his lover’s disheveled appearance his jeans unbuttoned but still zipped, his tank top wrinkled and damp, his skin flushed and his hair slightly mussed. His anger soared. But he had no right, no right to be angry.

\----  
As Brian walked in he saw Justin saunter his way with that ‘fuck me’ look and he felt his cock jump at the thought of Justin’s pale skin. The moved toward the blonde but Justin stopped short and Brian saw the flash of anger and hurt on his face momentarily before Justin’s emotions were masked with the attitude Brian knew so well and Brain felts something in his heart tighten, he thought ‘he learned that from me’ inwardly he cringed ‘he learned how to hide from me’.

He watched as Justin backed away and then returned to sit behind his computer. Brian just stood there and listened as Justin’s fingers tapped at the keyboard with more force than necessary. Brian moved toward Justin’s area and stood in front of the keyboard.

“What the fuck?” Brian’s voice came out harsher than he’d intended. “No hello?”

Justin said nothing. The little twat didn’t even look up. Fine. Brian walked away and went into the bathroom. He stripped and turned on the shower and stepped in. He let the water wash all the sweat from his body. He had felt relieved before he walked in all his boring stress was gone but when he saw that look of…defeat…on Justin’s face he had felt dirty. Brian hadn’t noticed how hard he had been scrubbing his skin until he felt the slight sting. He stopped and noticed the red marks, he sighed.

He got out of the shower and pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and walked to his computer. He looked at Justin across the room and noticed that the boy had stopped typing and was now just staring at the screen. Probably in an attempt to avoid looking at him. 

Brian pulled up the AIM chat icon and signed on.

Foreveryoung19: I’m sorry.

Brian heard the echo of the message chimes across the silent loft. He watched Justin’s lips tighten as he read what he wrote.

Onlysunshine: Sorry’s bullshit.

Brian sighed; he should have seen that coming.

Foreveryoung19: Is it?

Onlysunshine: Your rules not mine.

Foreveryoung19: My rules have never applied to you.

Brian heard Justin suck in a breath but didn’t dare look.

Onlysunshine: Why?

Brian knew instinctively that Justin wasn’t asking about the rules.

Foreveryoung19: It meant nothing.

Onlysunshine: Then why?

Foreveryoung19: I wanted to get laid.

Onlysunshine: And I’m not enough.

Foreveryoung19: I never said that.

Onlysunshine: You don’t have to say it. Your actions have always spoken for you.

Brian’s fingers stilled as he mulled that comment over. 

Foreveryoung19: It meant nothing, nothing.

Onlysunshine: Does it mean nothing when we do it?

Foreveryoung19: No. It means something.

Onlysunshine: Then why?

Foreveryoung19: I don’t know  
Brian could hear Justin’s hard typing echoing loudly in the open space. The anger was felt through every loud click.

Onlysunshine: What do they have that I don’t? Are they hotter? More experienced? More talented? Tighter? Looser? What Brian? What is it?

Foreveryoung19: No, No. Nothing. You’re perfect

Onlysunshine: But?

Foreveryoung19: But nothing.

Onlysunshine: There has to be something or you wouldn’t do it!

Foreveryoung19: I don’t know what you want me to say

Onlysunshine: I don’t WANT you to say anything.

Foreveryoung19: Then what?

Onlysunshine: You know what this was a mistake. 

Foreveryoung19: What was?

Brian watched Justin type quickly and then stand up grab his backpack and move toward the door as the message appeared on Brian’s screen.

Onlysunshine: I thought that I could do this, but I can’t. I can’t take it anymore; I’m no stronger than I was before. You never mean to hurt me but you always do. I can’t be your convenient fuck Brian. I just can’t. I’m going to Daphne’s I’ll get my stuff later.

FUCK! Brian was on his feet as he read the last words. He reached the door just as Justin stepped through the threshold.

“Let go of me, Brian.” Justin turned toward the taller man angrily but that anger faltered as he saw the look of pure panic on Brian’s face.

“No.” Brian stated shakily. “Don’t leave. Please, I’m asking you to stay….no…I’m telling you to stay. STAY.”

Justin’s eyes shifted from Brian to the hallway and then back to Brian. He was torn, he knew either way he went he was bound to end up with a broken heart.


	5. Only Sunshine

Brian held his breathe and watched as Justin stepped back into the apartment and pulled the door shut behind him. Justin didn’t move away from the door instead he leaned against it, it was then that Brian noticed that he looked tired. So tired.

“I need you to give me a reason to stay.” Justin’s voice was quiet but it echoed across the empty loft regardless, he continued when he saw Brian was about to speak. “You know where I want to be. And if you can’t tell me what you want from me—I can’t stay here anymore, I can’t stay with you anymore. No matter how much I love you and no matter how much I need you.”

Brian’s face was again unreadable “I don’t do ultimatums.” Brian flinched as Justin brought his fists down hard on the metal of the door. 

“It’s not a goddamn ultimatum! It’s a choice. You have a choice! Either you want me here or you don’t. YOU make a decision.” Justin was angry and it showed in his voice, but it was a half effort and that showed too. His exhaustion didn’t allow for Justin’s voice to raise in volume and so his words were nothing but a harsh whisper. “Look at me Brian.”

Justin watched as Brian’s eyes trailed over Justin’s form. Justin’s clothes were wrinkled and he slouched against the door as if it was his only means to stand. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was pale. Why had Brian not seen this before?

“I’m tired Brian.” Justin’s voice was calmer now. “I’m so tired it’s an effort to breathe. I’m so tried it’s an effort to stand here right now. I’m 19 and I feel like I haven’t slept in years. Bri—I’m not supposed to be this tired at 19.”

Brian could tell that Justin was about to cry and he was amazed at Justin’s ability not to. The thought “I taught him that” flashed through his mind again, leaving a searing trail of guilt but Brian pushed it away.

“I need a reason, Brian.” Justin said weakly. “Or I have to go.”

Brian stared at Justin for a long time and then seemed to make up his mind. He took Justin’s hand and led him toward the bedroom. When the were about half way there and Justin realized where they were going he started to resist but Brian turned and held a finger to his lips.

“Let me show you.” Brian said quietly. “It’s not sex- I promise.”

Brian continued up the stairs with Justin close behind. Once in the bedroom Brian sat Justin on the bed and then moved to a closet. He pulled out a cardboard box hidden by Brian’s Armani suits. He brought the box to the bed and sat on the floor with the box next to him. He began pulling items out and Justin’s eyes grew wide as he watched the items become a pile on the bed.

One of Justin’s St. James ties that he vaguely remembered disappearing after that first night. 

A page from Justin’s sketchbook that had nothing but aimless scribbles on it.

A framed sketch that Justin had sold at the GLC of Brian in bed.

A photo of him and Brian that Daphne had taken at that same event.

A newspaper clipping about the show. 

And then at least 7 pictures of Justin sleeping, in different angles.

The room keys from the hotel he had run to in New York.

A photo his mom had taken of him and Daphne before the prom.

The scarf, still stained red.

Several newspaper articles on the bashing.

Four pictures of Brian and Justin at Gus’ birthday

One picture from New Years Eve of them kissing

More pages of sketches Justin had done of Brian, Gus, and the rest of the gang. 

Transcripts from PIFA outlining Justin’s progress academically

Copies of articles from the PIFA Review the school’s paper that highlighted Justin’s work and art shows he’d participated in

Copies of Rage and some flyers from the promo.

Finally, Brian pulled out the last item from the box. An unmarked tape. Brian’s knuckles were white as he gripped it and set it on the bed. It was only after the box was empty that he looked at Justin who was softly crying now. Brian took a deep breath and handed Justin the tape.

“This is a reason.” Brian said. “Because I can’t survive without you.”

Justin started to speak but Brian shook his head and pointed to the tape. 

“Watch it first.” Justin nodded and stood but stopped before he got to the doorway of the bedroom. 

“Are you coming with?”

“In a minute.”

Justin went out to the living room and Brian listened as the tv clicked on and the tape played. He heard the music playing and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He took a minute before walking out. He stood behind the sofa and watched as two figures in black tuxedos danced across the screen gracefully and the last few lines of the song played out. 

****************************************************  
You can dance go and carry on till the night is gone and it's time to go  
If he asks if you're all alone can he take you home you must tell him no  
'Cause don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arm's you're gonna be  
So darlin save the last dance for me  
****************************************************

Brian felt tears on his cheeks and he saw Justin’s shoulders shudder slightly and knew he was crying too. The tape followed the two out of the gym and then the screen went black.

There was complete silence for what seemed to Brian like an hour. And then he spoke.

“One of the other kids, was taping it.” Brian said. “He sent it to me after....with a bouquet of roses and a get well card. Those would have been in your room—if you weren’t allergic to them.”

Justin stood and turned to face Brian tears streaking down his face. He couldn’t speak he just stared at Brian who closed the space between them and enveloped the smaller man in his arms. “I almost lost you twice, I don’t think I could survive that kind of pain again.”


	6. Only Sunshine

4 days later

Brian was in the elevator and called Justin’s cell again. He had been calling his cell and the loft intermittently and had gotten no response. He was angry. If Justin was out, the man was going to get it, Brian was furious. For the past four days Justin had done nothing but party and trick. The boy was out of school on spring break and didn’t seem to care about anything but the fun he could have, the men he could have. What unnerved Brian was that although Justin had tricked before—Brian had always been with him. But now, Justin was taking tricks back to the backroom when Brian was there and leaving Brian at the bar, or on the dance floor with millions of amazed eyes on him gauging his response. Brian could always pass off his indifference, but internally he was fighting off the urge to chase after the blonde. And one night Brian, fueled by booze had lost control. 

~ Flashback 2 days earlier~

Brian was dancing with some man ground up against him, the man’s mouth was painting Brian’s skin with saliva when he saw Justin head to the backroom with a trick. Brian let it go although it bothered him. However, after Justin returned looking satiated it wasn’t more than 15 minutes before Justin had taken another trick by the hand and led him to the backroom. Before he got there though the smaller man was jerked backward by a strong hand. 

Brian pulled Justin away from the trick giving the man a glance that said more than just “fuck off” it said “fuck off or ELSE” and the trick slinked away. Brian stared furiously down at Justin and the blonde just smirked, and that pissed Brian off even more. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Brian’s voice was louder than he intended and he could feel the quiet decend, the fucking DJ had even softened the music, but Brian was a little drunk so it mattered very little.

Justin smiled but it never reached his eyes. “Being the best homosexual I can be. I thought you’d be proud!” Brian flinched but his anger held.

“You’re becoming a whore.” Brian’s voice was edged with a slight remorse that Justin failed to acknowledge.

“You should know!” Justin scoffed and made to walk away when Brian called after him.

“What the fuck does that mean, Sunshine?” Brian’s voice was calmer now almost teasing.

“You’re the biggest whore in Pittsburg, Brian.” Justin stopped momentarily as if he was going to take back what he had said but continued. “And I’m just trying to catch up.”

Brian stared at Justin saying nothing. He didn’t know which comment had hurt worse but as he watched the blonde walk away and gather his trick a thought ran through his mind “You did this, you taught him how.”

And Brian looked had left, unable to face the crowded club and the people who had seen their angry tryst.

~ End Flashback~

Brian shook the thoughts out and remembered that the next day Justin and him had fucked all day and made things all better in the world of Brian and Justin. That didn’t mean that Justin stopped tricking. Of course not. Brian hadn’t been back to Babylon since the two days before and he was getting a bit of Cabin Fever, but Justin had gone out both nights. Brian walked to the loft door and pulled it open and immediately regretted it. He heard them before he saw them. The loud breathing and grunting was too far away to be coming from anywhere else and Brian’s anger flared as he thought of Justin fucking somebody in his—their bed. He walked leisurely through the loft purposely making as little noise as possible. He stepped up to the bedroom and his breath caught, something inside him broke he could feel it. He watched for a moment before walking in to the bedroom and beginning to undress. He undressed quickly and threw on some clubbing clothes. He looked back at the room once more and his eyes latched on to the bright blues that had been following him around the bedroom for the past five minutes. Brian blinked and allowed for a moment Justin to see the pain he was feeling before slamming his indifference back into place. He walked out of the loft trying desperately to remove the image of Justin letting someone else fuck him from his mind. He steeled himself and got in the jeep and drove to Babylon.

\--two hours later—

Brian wasn’t even high or drunk but he was behaving as such. Maybe he’d lost his mind. He was on the dance floor letting the pain wash out through the music. He continued his mantra as the young dark haired man in front of him worked magic with his swaying hips, he repeated to himself “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.” Brian was so concentrated on this feeling of self-preservation that he didn’t see Justin enter Babylon and walk to the DJ booth he didn’t see the CD that passed from the blonde’s hand to the Djs or the cash that followed it. He didn’t see the DJ nod and he didn’t see Justin move in his direction. Suddenly the vibrating techno music was gone and after a moment Brian opened his eyes to find his dancing partner missing too. The soft strains of a slower song came over the speakers and the patrons of Babylon moved aside as Justin walked through the crowd. He was freshly showered and clothed and he looked at Brian with guilt in his eyes. As he walked the lyrics began to play….

I feel so unsure  
As I take your hand  
And lead you to the dance floor.  
As the music dies  
Something in your eyes  
Calls to mind a silver screen  
And all it's sad good-byes.

I'm never gonna dance again,  
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.  
Though it's easy to pretend,  
I know you're not a fool.

Justin reached Brian and gently took his hand and pulled him close. They stood stationary and held each other for a moment as Babylon’s clients stood in awe of the emotion they were seeing. Such a love story, such a tragedy…and they couldn’t tear their eyes away.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,  
And waste the chance that I'd been given.  
So I'm never gonna dance again,  
The way I've danced with you.

Time can never mend,  
The careless whispers of a good friend.  
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind  
There's no comfort in the truth,  
Pain is all you find.

I'm never gonna dance again,  
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.  
Though it's easy to pretend,  
I know you're not a fool.

Brian held Justin close and he could feel the younger man’s tears on his shirt. He ran his fingers down the blondes back and wondered what he had done to get them there. He and Justin began to gently sway to the music and pretty soon were dancing gracefully—

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,  
And waste the chance that I'd been given.  
So I'm never gonna dance again,  
The way I've danced with you.

Never without your love...

Tonight the music seems so loud  
I wish that we could lose this crowd  
Maybe it's better this way  
We'd hurt each other  
With the things we want to say.

Brian listened to the words and turned his head to Justin’s their eyes clashing with unshed tears and untold words. And they stared, both of them feeling, both of them knowing—exactly what these words meant.

We could have been so good together,  
We could have made this last forever...  
But now, who's gonna dance with me?  
Please stay.

Justin’s whole body shook with tears and he realized where this was leading. He hadn’t intended it to—but then again maybe he had. Maybe it was time. 

I'm never gonna dance again,  
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.  
Though it's easy to pretend,  
I know you're not a fool.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,  
And waste the chance that I'd been given.  
So I'm never gonna dance again,  
The way I've danced with you

Brian finally pulled away and then leaned forward to place a kiss on Justin’s lips. There was no passion in it—but good-bye kisses are more often filled with something else, regret, remorse, sorrow, anger, frustration…fear. 

Now that you're gone...  
Now that you're gone...  
Now that you're gone...  
Was what I did so wrong? (so wrong)  
That you had to leave me alone?

Brian knew he had to be the one to walk away it was his turn. It had dawned on him why Justin had chose Babylon to bring this to an end—this was the place of Justin’s original sin, where he’d left Brian. And now, Brian knew he was still given the choice to stay and ‘dance’ with Justin or to go and leave him alone. Brian couldn’t stay though—he saw what he had done through these last few weeks. He had made Justin into something horrible, someone horrible, he had made Justin into himself—and it hurt to know he’d created in Justin the things he loathed about himself. So as the last beats of the music played out he walked away his back to Justin who now stood alone in the middle of a crowd of men who despite their detachment from the emotional side of it, felt that all of gay Pittsburg had lost something too. It seemed, their Romeo would deny their Juliet.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,  
And waste the chance that I'd been given.  
So I'm never gonna dance again,  
The way I've danced with you

 

Lryics: Careless Whisper, Steps

 

 

_____

Justin’s life had been spiraling down for the past few weeks, and never in his life had he known more that he couldn’t live without Brian. He sat in front of his computer staring at the AIM buddy list praying that Brian would sign on. He had repeated this ritual every day for the past two weeks, to no avail. 

He sighed and opened his email one Email caught his attention the subject read.

We need a new song. 

The sender marked as bkinney@vangaurdag.com

Justin paused and then clicked on the email.

* * *

***This may continue into other parts, it may not. Check back after Family Guys Part II***


End file.
